Category: Humor

Posted on

Erik DiVietro IS Jack Ryan

Erik DiVietro posted this via his MySpace page. As I hate MySpace, and loved this, he gave me permission to cross-post it here.

Erik treated one of those inane e-mail surveys as if he were Jack Ryan, the protagonist in most of Tom Clancy’s novels. (Also, I should note that, just like Erik, I’ve read all of Clancy’s novels. Clancy peaked with The Sum of All Fears—avoid the movie, though—and really hasn’t done remotely as well since.)

I completed this entire survey as Jack Ryan, of the Tom Clancy novels. It is disturbing that I retain this much information about a fictional character, and more so that I do it about MANY fictional characters.

1. If you were to kill a man, horror movie style, which kitchen utensil would you use?
Horror movie style, eh? That’s a tough one. I had an Ayatollah killed by sending in the B-2 bomber with a bunker buster.

2. Did you ever swallow a coin?
No, but I did buy a helicopter once.

3. What was the worst gift you’ve ever received?
That moron Tom Clancy ruined my legacy by writing Teeth of the Tiger

4. What is your most embarrassing childhood memory?
That my father almost arrested John Clark

5. How many kids do you want?
I have four. For some reason, every time my wife and I slept together in another country or in a time of international crisis, she got pregnant again.

6. What’s your moms middle name?
She didn’t have one, but her maiden name was Burke

7. Have you ever operated a fire extinguisher?
In ways the manufacturer never contemplated.

8. What did you eat for breakfast?
I skip breakfast a lot, and Kathy is always getting on my case about it.

9. who do you hate?
Used to communists, then the Japanese and then the Asian-financed terrorists. Oh, and bureaucrats. MAN do I hate them!

10. what do you hope to have accomplished by the end of this year?
When you’re Jack Ryan – there is nothing left to do. I made millions on the stock market; I wrote books; I was a Marine; I’ve been head of the CIA, Vice-President and President. SHOOT…I single-handedly brought peace to Jerusalem. I stole an entire ballistic missile submarine from the Russians AND forced the head of the GRU to defect! There’s nothing I haven’t done.

11. do you have any reallllly crazy relatives?
Apparently, I have two twin psychotic nephews. My daughter is a little strange as well.

12. Did you ever wake up under the influence of NyQuil, completely unable to move?
I was addicted to painkillers after I almost broke my back, and had a drinking problem that forced me out of government service for awhile.

13. Are you feeling nostalgic right now?
I’m a former president of the USA, of course.

14. Did you own a Lite-Brite?
My grandkids do; but it is nothing compared to the NSA command center.

15. Can you dive?
In a wetsuit? No. I’m a terrible swimmer; but I did operate the dive planes of the Red October under Captain Marco Ramius

16. Do you own a mouthpiece for anything?
Not really.

18. Have you ever used a pogo stick?
Is that anything like a 9MM handgun? Or explosives?

19. Who was the most creative bum you’ve ever met, trying to get some money from you?
Probably Ed Kealty.

20. What’s your favorite Jelly Belly jelly bean flavor?
Can of INTERNATIONAL WHOOPIN’. That’s a flavor, right?

21. favorite food you CRAVE?
I love my wife’s cooking. Of course, every time she makes a special meal, people seem to try to kill us.

22. When was the last time you pulled lint out of your bellybutton?
What do I look like? A democrat?

23. Did you ever use someone else’s toothbrush?
There was this crisis where the president thought the Russians were launching nukes at us, but it turned out to be a BIG misunderstanding. But I stayed up for like 3 weeks without sleeping, so I probably did.

24. Do you REALLY floss everyday?
Of course. I’m a Georgetown alumnus.

25. what is your favorite cologne/perfume you always wear?
Cologne is for men who haven’t killed Irish terrorists with their own hands.

26. If you were on Double Dare, would you take the physical challenge?
Look. I’ve been dropped from helicopters onto submarines in storms; I’ve been shot at by drug czars; and I was there when a crazy Japanese pilot flew a 747 into the Capitol building. My wife and I survived nuclear blasts AND two different version of the Ebola virus. You got nothing on me.

27. What’s the largest living organism that you killed?
Shoot. I’ve killed so many things. Probably my father-in-law’s ego.

28. Did you ever take a lighting bug and smear its guts on your arm so you get a cool glowing effect like war paint?
Who writes these stupid questions?

29. What’s the best toy you’ve ever gotten in a McDonalds happy meal?
an armored limousine Hot Wheel

30. if you could be anywhere in the world doing anything right now what would it be?
Back in the Oval Office, ordering Clark and Ding to take care of people.

31. Can you juggle?
HELLO! Fearless leader of the free world here!

32. how do you feel right now?
nostalgic, see 13 above.

33. Do you remember that square candy bar called “Chunky”?
I do. Ate many a Chunky bar out of the CIA vending machines.

34. Predict the length of the next Peter Jackson movie.
Longer than Bear and the Dragon felt but somewhat shorter than Executive Orders actually was.

35. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
G.I. Joes.

36. Are you willing to go the distance?
That’s one heck of a question to ask me. How many of you have even TRIED to read all my books?

37. Did you answer question 17?
How could I? It was stolen by Arab terrorists bent on bringing down the free world through Internet hacking.

Posted on

Skvid Number One

Skvid = SKit on VIDeo

Last week our pastor asked me to put together a video skit to help illustrate a sermon in a series of lessons on stewardship: What happens when we overwhelm ourselves with choices and activities? Of course, it also illustrates beautifully the quirkiness of the Wilcox family.

I did the video in Windows Movie Maker, a free download for Windows XP. I had to overcome a quirk that kept locking the software up, discovering that previewing clips in the preview window wouldn’t work correctly, unless I dragged the clips to the timeline first. I can’t explain that, but wish I’d found the answer hours earlier. Movie Maker isn’t bad, but I need something that will let me treat the audio track from the video separately, as well as add more audio layers.

The film was shot entirely out of sequence, in order to meet the availability schedule of the actors (my kids), over the course of a very busy Saturday. The Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back clip was created by shooting our own HDTV, the quickest way I could think of to get the piece I needed.

Background music includes Ella Fitzgerald’s, “I’m Beginning to See the Light,” and the title theme from Back to the Future.

Overall, it’s a tad too long at just over 6 minutes (the goal was 5 minutes), and I never got around to including any video transitions. I may tweak it a bit in the next few days, especially if I try out a more advanced software package, and hope to get it down to 4 to 4.5 minutes. I recall seeing George Lucas talking about an old filmmaker adage, “Films are never finished, just abandoned,” and how he had the technology (and money) to keep going back to his films to finish them the way he wanted.

Posted on

Dreams of Death—Nichelle Style

A couple of weeks ago, Nichelle had a dream about weight lifting.

In the dream, she was doing bench presses, and having a great time. A friend came up to her with a concerned look, and said, “Uh, Nichelle, you’re … dead.”

Nichelle responded, “You mean, I’m dead, and I can still do this? That’s awesome!”

Posted on

Random Webness

Posted on

NaNi the Brain Surgeon

Last week we were visiting the McGrath family, and they (as usual) offered the kids some food. NaNi was eating a bread roll, and said, “Dad, we can cut open your head, and put this inside, and glue it back together, and you’ll act all crazy. Then when you’re done acting crazy, we can cut your head open again, and put your regular brain back in, and glue it back together again.”

A week before that, she said, “Dad, I can’t take my head off, because my blood is sticky—just like glue—and it holds it on.”

What a kid.

Oh, she also is crazy about dresses. Two weeks ago she slyly pronounced, “Dad, if you buy me a twirley Cinderella dress, I am soooo letting you take me to the ball.”

Posted on

Shiver Me Timbers! Talk Like a Pirate Day Is Here Again!

‘Twas A grand, glorious day when I awoke. “Wench!” demanded I, “Where be me mornin’ grog?”

But then I learned a right powerful lesson: Be not calling a fair lass a “wench,” if’n she be stronger than thee. Painfully quick the lesson was, and quickly painful.

I woke me offspring up this mornin’ by yellin’, “Avast, ye good for nothing lazy swabs! Get out of those bunks ‘fore I have ye keelhauled!”

Arrrrrrr!

We had a great time talking like pirates on the way to school, and David tried to convince me that, as it was a holiday, he had the day off. I changed the words to our usual Geek song fare, “Can’t you see I’m white and piratey?” and “That Be the Power of Love.”

See last year’s post here.

Reuters covered it with this article.

Posted on

Lana Lang Succumbs to Repeated Physical and Psychological Trauma

The Daily Planet, Metropolis, August 23, 2007
Lois Lane

Lana Lang (below) was admitted to the Metropolis Psychiatric Hospital (above) earlier today for an indefinite period of intense psychiatric care, after what has been described as an “intense, psychotic break.” Lana is known for having a number of strange, apparently psychiatric episodes. One associate we interviewed believed she had merely “gone Lana” again, citing events such as Lana’s brutally attacking and nearly killing confidante Chloe Sullivan, editor of The Torch, Smallville High School’s often tabloid-like student newspaper, or another period lasting several days when she believed herself to be the incarnation of a 17th-century French witch.


Lana Lang, an exceptionally traumatized young lady.

A medical professional within the psychiatric hospital provided details under the condition of absolute anonymity:

Miss Lang is the most severely traumatized case I have seen in my career, far worse than we see even from lengthy, close-quarters combat. Lana seems to have an intense fear of nearly everything, including hospitals.

She is recounting stories of being attacked repeatedly at the Talon coffee shop, her parents’ grave site, the Kent farm, Smallville Medical Center, her own residences, Smallville High School, several horse stables, and virtually every outdoor location she has traveled to.

She screams or sobs constantly about being hunted, attacked, and buried alive. There is little wonder her sleep is disrupted by incessant nightmares. Her medical records, among her numerous admissions for injury or unexplained illness, indicate she even barely survived being caught in a tornado several years ago. She often rocks back and forth in a corner, incessantly mumbling that her friends are keeping secrets from her, and she appears convinced that at any moment anyone around her might suddenly turn on her.

If even half the things she describes have actually occurred, it will be a miracle if Miss Lang will ever be able to leave this facility. But we will do our best to help her.

Clark Kent, who has been Lana’s friend from early childhood, appeared nervous, and refused to comment on her condition.

Here’s an interesting bit on what Lana Lang was like in the comic books.

Posted on

Why Can’t Things Like This Happen to Me?

A giant, smiling Lego man was fished out of the sea in the Dutch resort of Zandvoort on Tuesday.

Workers at a drinks stall rescued the 2.5-meter (8-foot) tall model with a yellow head and blue torso.

:: sigh :: That would have looked sooooooooo cool in my cube at work.