Category: Humor

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I am an Idiot

[doug]Nichelle is making me post this, because I used it as leverage to get her to finally post an update on all the cute things Naomi is doing.

As you know, we had some computer problems, which seem to have all been solved. However, after upgrading to Trillian 3.0, Nichelle complained that she was not hearing any sound from Trillian.

We tested sound from other sources, Media Player, Flash animations, etc., and everything was fine, so I logged on to her screen and checked the Trillian preferences. Sound was enabled, and I looked everywhere trying to see what was wrong.

A few minutes later, she looked through the sound preferences for Trillian, and discovered that, despite the fact I had looked at the setting three or four times, I completely overlooked the checkbox marked, “Do not play sounds when I’m away.” Nichelle was, of course, as usual, in “away” mode all the time, because she tends to just be at the computer for a few minutes.

So, I get an “F” in troubleshooting for that day. ::: sigh :::

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Microsoft Developers Are Allowed to Have a Sense of Humor

I found this very amusing TechNet article in today’s Langa List.

Here is an excerpt:

I Thought We Weren’t Supposed to Change Settings in the Registry?

As you probably know, Microsoft has a sort of love-hate relationship with the registry. The registry is the configuration database for Windows and Windows applications, and many options can only be set by manually changing a value in the registry. For example, if you’ve ever read a Microsoft Knowledge Base article, you’ve likely seen a sentence similar to this:

To correct this problem, change the following value in the registry.

Now that’s fine, except that this sentence is invariably followed by a disclaimer similar to this one:

Warning: Don’t ever change a value in the registry. Ever. We know we just told you to do that, but would you jump off a cliff if we told you to? Don’t ever change a value in the registry. Don’t even say the word registry. We know a guy once who said the word registry, and three days later he was hit by a bus. True story. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t even have a registry on your computer. If you suspect that you do have a registry on your computer, call us and a trained professional will be dispatched to your office to remove the registry immediately. If you accidentally touch the registry, wash your hands with soap and water and call a doctor. Do not swallow the registry or get it in your eyes!

Now, to be honest, some of those fears are a bit exaggerated, and the disclaimer is there largely for legal reasons (remember, this is the day and age when you can order hot coffee in a restaurant and then sue the restaurant when
the coffee they give you turns out to be, well, hot). If you do it correctly, changing the registry is perfectly harmless. At the same time, however, it’s
true that there are certain values in the registry that should never be changed. In fact, changing them can pretty much wipe your computer out, once and for all. It’s like working on the bomb squad: if you snip the right wire, the bomb is
defused and everything is fine. But if you snip the wrong one—Boom! You just created Microsoft Bob!

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Death and Taxes

Taxpayer Dies After Official Error
Mon Nov 1, 2004 07:49 AM ET

WARSAW (Reuters) – A Polish taxpayer died from a heart attack after a demand for immediate payment in full of 80,000 zlotys ($23,560) following a mistake by the tax office.
Locksmith Zbigniew Macewicz died during a hearing in the central city of Bydgoszcz, where tax collectors demanded 80,000 zlotys because he failed to keep to a restructuring agreement.

But, in fact, the tax office had miscalculated one payment, telling Macewicz to pay 8.80 zlotys less than he should have and thus putting him in arrears on his repayment schedule.

The government expressed regret over the incident.

“I express my deep regret at the taxpayer's death,” deputy Finance Minister Stanislaw Stec was quoted by the Gazeta Wyborcza daily as saying in Bydgoszcz, where he was sent to look into the matter.

He ordered an internal audit of the city's tax authorities.

© Reuters 2004. All Rights Reserved.

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Doug, the Haiku Master

Stream unvisited—
An update is required.
I wait forever.

Okay, the above title is an exagerration, but let me explain. We are using a new version of the source control system in place at Kronos. (We switched to this new system—which is not a Kronos product—about six months ago, from VSS, which sometimes produced catastrophic problems, and was not living up to our needs). The latest release of this new product promised some highly beneficial new features, but, primarily because Kronos is pushing the product well beyond its typical implementation, there have been some “performance issues.”

After receiving a notice last week that performance was really slow, but the system was not locked up, instead of a whine, I posted back a quick Haiku. Haiku, at least as we learned it in high school, is Japanese poetry consisting of three lines of five, seven, and five syllables, respectively. There are variations on the definition, especially when working in English, but the format tends to produce poetry that appears to be deeply insightful at best, and pithy at worst.

I received quite a few compliments on the e-mail, but didn’t realize how notorious I’d become until a co-worker who I do not believe I’ve ever even seen stopped me in the stairwell and asked, “You’re the guy who wrote that Haiku, aren’t you?”

Here are a few of the other comments:

  • This is most masterful.
  • Thanks Doug. This helps make the pain of [the source control product] more bearable.
  • Very nice!
  • {:-)
  • This is great. (-:
    I’m sure you've seen all those “error message haiku” that have been circulating for years. Some of them are very funny as well. My favorite was:

    With searching comes loss
    And the presence of absence:
    “My Novel” not found.

  • Congratulations tovarisch Doug Wilcox: you are now awarded the “Udarnik of the Month” title. Now write more haikus “sverx plana” before the end of October. (“sverx plana” means something like “above the required quota”).
  • bravo!
  • Excellent haiku of the day. Thank you!
  • Excellent!
  • LOL!!!

    How about:

    Jboss starting up,
    Machine useless for all tasks.
    Gaze at screen saver.

    To which I responded:

    JBoss now better;
    Standards can be pleasant:
    One Gig of RAM.

    OK, that one made my cat wake up when I laughed!

So am I popular, or notorious?

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Why God Gives Children Mothers

[doug]I don’t think I’m a bad parent, but recent experience has shown me that, without mothers, most children would never live to see their third birthday. Let me explain a couple of incidents that happened with NaNi this week:

Incident 1: I took all the kids, including Naomi (NaNi), Mother’s Day shopping at Wal*Mart Saturday night. The trip actually went pretty well, and the boys’ behavior was not-as-bad-as-usual-while-shopping. On the way out to the car, we started down a small incline, and NaNi’s car seat (with her inside), flipped off of the shopping cart, and she landed face-down (but without a scratch, because she was securely fastened in a 5-point safety harness) on the mulch in an island we were adjacent to.

In the moment afterward, the entire cart flipped over, dumping David, who was riding it, and our merchandise to the ground. No one was harmed, although NaNi cried for about 60 seconds.

Now, I was certain that I had attached NaNi’s seat to the shopping cart—but Nichelle (a Mom), wouldn’t have stopped there: She would have attached the seat, listened for the click of the latch attaching, tried to pull the seat off to verify it was secured, asked 3 people to try the same, and probably avoided the slightest incline when navigating back to the car.

Incident 2: Last night, I was watching the kids while Nichelle went to ladies’ Bible study and then grocery shopping. When Nichelle got home, NaNi spit up, and Nichelle asked me, “How is it that NaNi was eating brown paper?” (Oddly enough, I didn’t get “The Look,” which husbands and children everywhere fear.) Somehow the little weaselette had torn a 1-inch long piece of cardboard off a big box David was playing with, and swallowed it. She did this while being watched by me, and in the presence of both David and Isaac!

You may now go about the process of organizing the lynch mob …

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Geeks Rule!

[isaac]Isaac, now almost 9 years old, has taken up the motto, “Geeks rule!” How it happened was like this: One night at supper John called Isaac a geek, which gave me the opportunity to explain that, in our family, geek is a compliment.

[john]I went on to point out to John that most of what he enjoys in life he owes to geekdom:

  • The computer you like to use: Invented by geeks.
  • The games you like to play? Written by geeks.
  • The chat software you can’t live without? Also written by geeks.
  • The switching system that lets you talk to your friends on the telephone? Developed by geeks.
  • The standard of living we enjoy? Paid for by my own geekdom.

Isaac quickly caught on to the fact that geeks are doing the cool things in the world, and is now proud to be called one. He told me that he now prefers to say negative, instead of no, because it’s more precise.

Geeks rule!

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A Little Humor (I)—Temperature Conversion Chart

  • 60°F – Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe.
  • 50°F – New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens.
  • 40°F – Italian & English cars won’t start. People in New England drive with the windows down.
  • 32°F – Distilled water freezes. Maine's Moose Head Lake’s water gets thicker.
  • 20°F – Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.
  • 15°F – New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
  • 0°F – All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.
  • –10°F – Californians fly away to Mexico. The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.
  • –25°F – Hollywood disintegrates. People in New England get out their winter coats.
  • –40°F – Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.

Fun Fact: –40°F and –40°C are the same temperature