Losing

If I were to lose you today
I would lose …

The one who mothered my children
The one who was my only lover
The one who laughed at my jokes
The one who tolerated my inability to get my socks into the hamper right-side out
The one whose smile always brightened my day
The one who cut my hair
The one who prepared my meals
The one who shared my poverty
The one who shared my wealth
The one whom I have laughed with
The one whom I have cried with
The one whose illness tested my faith, showing me that it was okay to let God know I was really angry with Him
The one who received all my love notes
The one whose every success I applauded
The one who left clumps of hair everywhere in the house
The one safe driver in the family
The one who encouraged me when I did crazy things like ride my bike in the snow
The one who I could eat ice cream with
The one who made a million double standards
The one who was my water-fight and snowball target
The one who was my Snugglebunny
The one with whom I have shared a Caribbean sunset
The one who made me change my clothes when they do not match
The one woman I have ever kissed
The one who kicks my butt as my personal trainer
The one with whom I can watch chick-flicks
The one who supported me when my brain would not work right and I did not know what to do
The one who taught me how to exercise
The one who couldn’t stay awake for reading Starship Troopers
The one for whom I have prayed
The one who tolerated and tried to understand my anxieties
The one who was my Queen of Sarcasm
The one who made me not afraid to walk down dark alleys
The one who always froze me with her feet in bed in the winter
The one who prayed for me when I most needed it
The one who recognized all my Star Wars quotations
The one for whom I have bought flowers
The one who trusted me with her secrets
The one who always beat me to the bathroom
The one who my family liked better than they liked me
The one for whom I asked God
The one who pampered me when I was sick
The one whose drinks I could sip and then make “that face”
The one for whom I always thanked God
The one by whom I defined the word beautiful
The one who got me to eat mostly healthily
The one whom I did not see Hyannis with on our honeymoon
The one whose adventure dreams I always envied
The one with whom I could talk through any decision
The one who let me decorate with Lego
The one who always ignored my advice about computing
The one who has made my vacations worth taking
The one who realized immediately that we needed to live closer to work
The one who kept our children safe when I was not cautious enough to do so
The one whose laugh always made me smile
The one who made me think “Wow!” the first time I saw her
The one who was my friend for years
The one whose voice was the most beautiful one in the world to me
The one whose body I always longed to touch
The one for whom I lived
The one whom I love.

Nichelle is moving out today, pursuant to her intent to divorce me. I wrote this a couple of months ago, after a conversation we’d had. Nichelle’s decision was unilateral, and has been the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced, but there’s nothing I can do to prevent it.

Goodbye, my darling. Know that I love you, unconditionally and unceasingly.

15 Replies to “Losing”

  1. You are all in my prayers, and I believe God will work good out of even this. I love you as a brother Doug and am so glad that God made us friends.

  2. That is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read and yet my heart is breaking for you, Doug, and the children. I am so very, very sorry. I will be praying.

  3. Very sweet words…My heart aches for you, Nichelle and the children…We love you all and wish things could be different for you.

  4. Doug, I just now happened to be looking at my FB page – I rarely do – and saw this post. Strangely I was just a little while ago today thinking about you and about N and her body-building efforts. I am shocked and don’t really know what to say. Except that I feel very much for you and what you must all have been, are and, unfortunately, will be going through for a time.

    What little I can offer, I do.

    bzb

  5. Doug,

    You are in our prayers. Come to Mass. and spend an evening by the fire if you want to talk.

    God be with you.

    lovingly,

    jen and kevin

  6. Doug, Having gone through this, I agree there is no greater heartbreak in all of life. While I never penned such a touching expression, I feel the same way about my wife, Sharon. While this past year has been very difficult, God has taught me much about myself. I still pray daily for my wife and marriage, ever hopeful that God will change her heart. I know with all my heart that this is never God’s will, but I also have learned that He will not force anyone to do anything, although He has the authority to do so, He will never force us. Be sure of this, that God is sovereign and will not foresake you, draw near to Him. He promises to get you through this, never promises to “fix” it. You are in my (our) prayers. If you want to talk you can contact me through email or fb. Love you brother. — Glenn

        1. Ah, the bravery of anonymity. Believe it or not, I have thought about this many times in the years since this question was posted.

          The short answer is, clearly, “No.”

          The longer answer, which is an attempt to answer, “Why not?” is more complicated, but I shall try.

          I have remarried. I have moved past. In many ways, one can never completely move on.

          I loved, deeply and consistently. (I will not claim perfectly, of course; that would be foolish.)

          I received for that love—and I know why—hatred and anger (unconfessed, but absolutely visible), and, ultimately, complete betrayal. This was a choice, and it need not have been decided that way.

          After years remarried, I am horribly aware of the injustice of being unable to trust that my wife will not decide to fabricate a reason and leave me. There is some—small, I hope, especially by comparison—level of love that I am unwilling to drain from my reserve, that I am unwilling to dedicate to one who absolutely deserves it. My wife does not at all deserve this, and it hurts me to realize it.

          Although I have continued to live, and am, indeed, happily married, what I lost may never be recovered. How I saw, and what I gave, is worth remembering.

  7. That’s an interesting question. Interesting, as well, is the fact that you chose to ask it anonymously. I will assume the noblest of intentions on your part, for chiming in un-named, as I am sure that you are assuming the noblest of intentions on my husband’s part for writing and keeping this blog.

    How to begin an answer online? For this is a huge conversation, and I wouldn’t weary the reader. Perhaps I will simply provide bulleted points which, from my perspective as an also-divorced person and the husband of the writer, each have much behind them that I won’t bother to go into unless asked.
    * Divorce is a ripping apart of two people. Is it not good to preserve the pain of that sundering, if only to warn others, or to give them comfort that they don’t walk alone?
    * Not talking about nasty things doesn’t make them go away. In fact, it can make them fester.
    * I find that, as far as my own story goes, justice requires that I state my case, clearly and not infrequently. When we try to cover up wrong, we are doing a disservice to justice for both the offended AND the offender. It is a Biblical principal to confront sin.
    * Nowhere has Douglas exposed his former wife’s secrets, or dragged her name through the mud. Which leads me to my question for you:
    * What reason could you possibly have to ask that this be taken down?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.