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Losing

November 3, 2010

If I were to lose you today
I would lose …

The one who mothered my children
The one who was my only lover
The one who laughed at my jokes
The one who tolerated my inability to get my socks into the hamper right-side out
The one whose smile always brightened my day
The one who cut my hair
The one who prepared my meals
The one who shared my poverty
The one who shared my wealth
The one whom I have laughed with
The one whom I have cried with
The one whose illness tested my faith, showing me that it was okay to let God know I was really angry with Him
The one who received all my love notes
The one whose every success I applauded
The one who left clumps of hair everywhere in the house
The one safe driver in the family
The one who encouraged me when I did crazy things like ride my bike in the snow
The one who I could eat ice cream with
The one who made a million double standards
The one who was my water-fight and snowball target
The one who was my Snugglebunny
The one with whom I have shared a Caribbean sunset
The one who made me change my clothes when they do not match
The one woman I have ever kissed
The one who kicks my butt as my personal trainer
The one with whom I can watch chick-flicks
The one who supported me when my brain would not work right and I did not know what to do
The one who taught me how to exercise
The one who couldn’t stay awake for reading Starship Troopers
The one for whom I have prayed
The one who tolerated and tried to understand my anxieties
The one who was my Queen of Sarcasm
The one who made me not afraid to walk down dark alleys
The one who always froze me with her feet in bed in the winter
The one who prayed for me when I most needed it
The one who recognized all my Star Wars quotations
The one for whom I have bought flowers
The one who trusted me with her secrets
The one who always beat me to the bathroom
The one who my family liked better than they liked me
The one for whom I asked God
The one who pampered me when I was sick
The one whose drinks I could sip and then make “that face”
The one for whom I always thanked God
The one by whom I defined the word beautiful
The one who got me to eat mostly healthily
The one whom I did not see Hyannis with on our honeymoon
The one whose adventure dreams I always envied
The one with whom I could talk through any decision
The one who let me decorate with Lego
The one who always ignored my advice about computing
The one who has made my vacations worth taking
The one who realized immediately that we needed to live closer to work
The one who kept our children safe when I was not cautious enough to do so
The one whose laugh always made me smile
The one who made me think “Wow!” the first time I saw her
The one who was my friend for years
The one whose voice was the most beautiful one in the world to me
The one whose body I always longed to touch
The one for whom I lived
The one whom I love.

Nichelle is moving out today, pursuant to her intent to divorce me. I wrote this a couple of months ago, after a conversation we’d had. Nichelle’s decision was unilateral, and has been the most heartbreaking thing I have ever experienced, but there’s nothing I can do to prevent it.

Goodbye, my darling. Know that I love you, unconditionally and unceasingly.